Although I don't want this post to be extremely negative. I feel as though I need some sort of closure as what has happened has seriously effected my mental health. I want to be able to look back at this post when I'm struggling and know that if I can get through what has been possibly the darkest two months of my life, I can get through anything. Once addressing how I feel, I want to focus on good things and how I'm going to get myself back on the road to happiness.
Although whilst reading this, if you're not a close friend or relative of mine you will have no idea what happened, and it may be difficult for you to fully get an understanding of why I feel the way I do. But honestly, if you knew what happened, you would completely understand. In one hour, I had all of my confidence, self worth and previous achievements that I once felt proud of, stripped from me.
The past two have been spent endlessly applying for jobs, attending a total of nine jobs interviews and receiving endless rejections despite being told I am fantastic and anyone would be lucky to have me as an employee. Spending 75% of my time alone, loosing interest in my passion, and quite frankly giving up all hope on ever feeling happy again.
I have felt alone, empty, worthless and spending everyday feeling as though I had no purpose. Battling with anxiety and depression is extremely difficult, even on a good day. However, when you're forced into a position, that leaves your stress levels higher than you could ever imagine, and your confidence sat deep in the gutter with Pennywise, nice in season, nearly Halloween reference, it is pretty difficult to see an end to the darkness and how you will ever recover from what happened.
My situation has now done a complete 360, after working my ass off, I have managed to get a job. I'm beyond happy this has happened, and despite being extremely nervous, I cannot wait to learn new things, interact with people and just feel like I have a purpose on this earth again. Despite this, I can't help but continue to repeat words that were said to me over and over, and continue to chip away at my confidence. I feel like it is going to take me a long time to be able to fully process what has happened and finally feel 100% confident with myself again.
Focusing On Moving Forward
As previously mentioned, this post isn't going to be just about the negatives. Although I have really struggled the past two months, there are certain things that have really been brought to light and made me realise how incredibly lucky I am.
The support system I have around me is quite frankly, more incredible that I could ever dream. Despite the fact there are many, many moments in which I have felt utterly alone. The support I have received has been absolutely incredible. Whether that is a DM to ask if i'm okay or give me advice, constantly being tagged in job opportunities, having a shoulder to cry on, or being made a piping hot cup of tea. My friends have been absolutely amazing and I wouldn't have got through this without their support.
Now I have to give a special thank you to three certain people.
My parents - Now I know parents are there to support you, and if you have read my A Note To posts (#1 #2), you will know how much my parents mean to me. I can't even begin to explain how lucky I am to have such supportive parents, and if it wasn't for their support, I don't think i'd be in the position I am right now. There have kept me going the past two months, with thoughtful texts or phone calls, long hugs and generally being amazing. I love you, and thank you. One day, I promise I will repay you for everything you've done.
James - Now without gushing too much, or being so cringe worthy I make you want to vom. Without James, I truly don't think I would be here right now. Being in a relationship with someone who has crippling anxiety, is extremely difficult, in the past it has completely destroyed my relationships. However, it has made mine and James' relationship in my eyes, a thousand times stronger. James has seen me at my darkest times, and not once let me down From calling me daily to make sure I'm okay, to knowing my thought process better than I know it myself. There has not been one minute where James hasn't been by my side, attempting to pick me up, wiping my tears or making me my favourite comfort food. From the bottom of my heart James, you have no idea what you mean to me, and how truly thankful I am that I have you in my life to keep me going. I love you.
In the upcoming months, which may I add is my favourite time of year, I want to fill my time with my moments that will make me fall in love with life again, whether that is eating my favourite food, spending time with my nearest and dearest or simply admiring this absolutely beautiful world we live in. I am going to work extremely hard at my new job, to not only prove to my new peers but to prove to myself that I have fantastic ability and to be able to build my confidence back up from nothing. And finally, to smother myself in self love and to nourish myself back to good mental health.
I know this post is extremely long, in no way am I looking for sympathy, but I want to show people that even in the darkest of times, things do get better despite feeling as though they never will. And talking about how you feel, no matter how difficult it is always the best thing to do.
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